Piranha 3D (Parental Discretion Advised- A lot of gore in this Blog)
It was about time I saw this movie. I honestly wanted to see it when it was in theaters, not because I thought it would be good, but because I thought it would be bad.
Sometimes I hate being right.
This movie wasn’t even the good kind of bad! There was no moments that made me laugh, only moments that made me drop my jaw and wonder what they were on. What bothers me the most is that they actually thought they were making a GOOD movie: Seriously, guys?
That aside, continuity and other errors constantly distracted me from this film. At one point, a little girl steps on glass and starts to bleed heavily from her foot. The next shot, she has no injury. It’s not even brought up again. That, and, the constant change in water color: blood does not disappear in like three seconds guys, and the amount of death should have stained that water red.
And the nudity. Why so much nudity? Did you guys seriously think that it added to the movie at all? It’s almost as if they thought that adding tits to a movie made it not incredibly awful. I mean, I get that it’s spring break and shit, but do you really have to focus on that so much? There’s too much of this:
And that’s not even the worse. Seriously, you can make a spring break movie without popping one out every three seconds.
There was no character pathos: in fact, I doubt these filmmakers were intelligent enough to know what pathos is. I ended up hating every character, including Jake(what a stupid asshole). The stupidity of characters in this film make me wonder how realistic this film is. I mean, there are stupid people in the world… but this many?
Not to mention, the beginning scene doesn’t even make sense. A bunch of fish cannot create that huge of a whirlpool. I mean, look at this:
All that aside, the gore was pretty good. A lot of blood, and a lot of dismemberment. It was realistic… but not very. Plus most of the gore, I felt, was them trying to show off tits again. But if you wanted a good gore flick, without caring much about anything else, I would hesitantly recommend this. Plus, a fun scene where a man’s penis is eaten and then burped out is lovely. How fun would that have been in 3D, eh?
The only thing that decently leaves me impressed are the designs of the Piranhas.
Talk about sick nasty! The guys who designed these little suckers and brought them to life deserve a kudos. These are honestly the most vicious killers I’ve ever seen: they surpass any human.
But then… They gave them a back story. Seriously. I’m supposed to believe that these things are from over a million years ago and they’ve been surviving by eating each other, but somehow, kept their population up enough to have thousands upon thousands in one lake at one time? That’s just ridiculous. Make them look a little less modern-day piranha and I’ll believe you. And the fact that (spoiler) they all just HAPPENED to be at the boat right as it blew up (spoiler) is just unbelievable.
I never thought I’d see a bad, campy horror movie that wasn’t absolutely hilarious and entertaining, but I proved myself wrong. This movie isn’t even a B movie. It shouldn’t even be called film. Mindless nudity and stupid characters ruin it. If I wanted to see a porn, I would’ve gone to one of the many free porn websites.
I give it a very honest and merciful 4/10.